Tears.

In the midst of all the tears... I realize now why I'm hurting. It's always the same kind of hurt. Every single year. I know what it is. I think I know what it is. And I know it wouldn't make sense to many people. I know now. This is killing me because I don't know how to deal with it. I thought that if I understood what was wrong with me and faced it kind of it would go away, but no. I don't know if I know what's completely going on. And if I do know... I don't know how to fix it. I don't even know how to start.

I have no reason to feel unhappy. And I don't think it's that I'm feeling unhappy... it's more that I'm feeling scared and afraid and confusion. I'm sad for certain things plus I'm scared about other things. And then there's the tiredness and stress to add on to this baggage. I miss so many people and a lot of things in the past. I miss the way things used to be and it makes me cry just thinking about it. I miss a lot of my friends, but at the same time I'm happy with my life now and how it turned out even if they're not in my life as much anymore. I hate it while at the same time I just don't. And I think the thing I miss the most is being a kid. I miss the way things used to be when I was living in the old house in Renton. I miss when my mom would hug me and I'd actually feel the love. There are times now where I'd feel it and hear it in her voice, but those don't happen as often as I'd like them too so when they do happy I want to cry so hard.

It's that feeling of love and that caring feeling... and that fear of total and complete abandonment that hurts me. And I feel like everyone is going to leave me and I'm going to be left completely alone. So when I feel like someone cares for me and there's that feeling of closeness and complete happiness... as soon as it's gone... like as soon as I'm no longer with that source of happiness I get absolutely terrified. I get scared that I'm going to get abandoned again. I don't believe in forever... I get scared to make friends because I think "what's the point because I'll probably never see you again." Why do I think this way? Because my mother told me it's true and it always happens. I don't believe in forever... so as soon as someone starts talking about it I know and get reminded that this definitely won't last and everything will fall apart someday. I really hope she's wrong, but I don't know. I don't know what to believe.

And when I feel like this... and when something is happy... there's that feeling in my gut that the happy thing will go away, so it totally destroys everything. I NEVER want to feel this way, but I always do. And when I'm with someone, just anyone, and we get close... I get scared... and I run. Because I don't know. I guess it's that I want to end it before things go to far and everyone ends up hurting more than I wish they would. I don't know. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do. I hate myself for it. I wish I knew how to change, but I don't know if I can.

I'm going to end up alone. Whether or not that ends up being my fault... I don't know.

I think I might've cried for a good hour today. And I don't want to blame the fact that I'm a girl and I'm probably PMSing. I just think that PMS makes your emotions and what you feel magnified and it doesn't mean those feelings aren't true or real. In a way it makes things more clear.