I am growing into a different person. A better person? I don't know. I've been happy... like in a different way. I don't know what it is. The sad thing that I can't understand though is that I just want to cry... I don't know what it is. Everything is just going right in my life right now at least I feel like it is, but I have this urge to cry... I just want to go to sleep crying, but I can't. It's like I won't let myself cry and I don't even know what it is that makes me want to do this.
The things in life going right:
- School.
- Friends.
- Him&I.
- Theatre.
- Museum.
- Golf.
- Family... my Mother&I.
There's been this tension that I can't get rid of. I wrote new poem. I don't know. It said something about feeling empty. I was happy or content with my life and I didn't know how empty I really felt. I'm starting to make my own decision and make my own life, but it's hard when you are so limited. I want to graduate and shoot for an Ivy League college. I just want to go to Boston or New York. I want to be away. I pretty much want to start a new life away from everything. Am I running from my past? What past though?! I just recently learned about a lot of... bad? terrible? scary? family history on my mom's side. I'm confused about a lot of things now. I don't even know. And there's not much to go on with my dad's side. I mean I don't even know the guy, so whatever. I love my step-dad though, and I've said this before, but I'll say it again... if I could've chosen who my dad was, it would've been him (:
Wow. Now that I read this over again... I don't know whether or not I've grown or taken a step back. I'm so confused. I have to leave the KW library and go home, but I'll probably continue on with this some other time...
NOT because it's Valentine's Day, but because it's 'Movie Madness' day... xD
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