Boom Goes the Dynamite.

Yeah, title is a little random, but I really like it. (: I originally heard it from this awesome show call Veronica Mars and then I heard Anna say it during theatre tech. I was so excited when she said it, but I didn't say or do anything. xD

Anyway, that was a little foreshadowing of a future list I'll make eventually with awesome sayings from TV shows or anything. I'm feeling weird right now. Like I don't know. It's not my normal kind of weird. Haha. That didn't even make sense. I'm sorry. xDDD

I've been thinking which is terrible. I'm not sure what I'm thinking of though. I can't explain or even begin to understand what I'm thinking. Wait, I guess it's more of a feeling then. A bunch of different feelings that I'm not sure what they are. I've been thinking about people and my dad. Which dad? I don't know. I was thinking about my step-dad earlier because I felt really bad for a reason that I don't want to talk about here. And then I was posting old poems onto my poetry blog and I found this one that I wrote about my biological father. Kind of. I haven't posted it yet, but I will eventually. It just, after finding it, it really hit me. I don't know what I want to do about my real dad. Do I want to find him? Do I want to know? Does he know he has a daughter? Does he have a family where ever he's at? Is he alive? So many questions that don't have answers.

I used to think that the past or family history didn't matter. Now I'm not so sure. Like I didn't know much about my mom's childhood or life. I didn't know much about my family history or anything. I didn't really start thinking about it until this year when my mom told me about something... it really explained a lot which is why I'm now kind of convinced that it does matter, but I have this one question about this. Does it change who I am? I mean like does my mom's life, my family history, make a difference to who I am now? I don't know. I'm scared to find out. I mean, you know the movies where people look for their long lost father or mother or what-have-you... and they're thinking that by finding these people they will figure out a piece of who they are... does it really work like that?

I don't even know if 'family history' is the right term. I don't know. I don't know. I HATE not knowing! God. I want to cry, but I can't. Why can't I cry? Why do I feel this need to cry?! I'm sorry. I feel like none of the above made any sense. I can't think straight right now. I'm feeling so dazed and flustered that I can't seem to tell if I'm making any sense. Haha. I'm sorry :/

Haha, wow. Now that I think about it. The title seems appropriate in a way.