Better Days.

I smiled a total of.... I don't know, but my day got better and I was smiling a lot by the end of the night. Haha. I just got home. I actually got home earlier, but we left again to get ice cream. These nights are the best. I swear. I think the best part of my day was seeing Nikki and Patrek. (: I mean Maddie & Eric contributed to my happiness today and the infamous Brian&Jerame & the text messages from Karlan and Kels. Them people are cool. Haha. I gotta say, they are probably the people that really made this bad day a better one. Dima played a part in 2nd period. I spoke up a lot in English, which is surprising, but it felt good to actually speak up. Now I see why people do it, although I think I kind of gave up by 4th period and didn't care if I sounded stupid. xD And then theatre tech always makes my day better. I love that class... I really do. And my parents. Today was good after school... it's shocking, but true. My mom wasn't grumpy/cranky, but she was getting ready to go out. It was fun because she does this thing where she asks my dad&I what we think and when we say it looks fine/good... she changes. Haha. I love it. And then hanging out at KM was fun for their multicultural night. Is that sad? I go to KM events, but hardly any KW ones? Well all the good ones are coming up soon. Like Mr. KW and the Play and Talent Show and ahhh! I'm excited. Hahaha. Life seems so much better after hanging out and just chillaxing. Puddle jumping then ice cream. Gahhh... I'm feeling better than I was. Way better. Thanks to everyone who made this day a better one...

Amazing people: Nikki, Maddie, Kels, Lani, Mom... Patrek, Karlan, Eric, Dad, Brian&Jerame, Dima. I don't know why, but I just can't separate Brian&Jerame... haha. They're always together, so it wouldn't seem right to list them separately. Haha.

Life in Limbo.

I'm wondering the halls aimlessly.
A friend comes up and tells me, "Mara! Smile!"
I say... "I don't want to... I'm just not feeling it. It takes too much effort to smile."
I have no energy to put in the effort to do much of anything today. I just want to go home and sleep for hours. I know that once I get some sleep I'll probably feel better, but for now I'll keep on walking. Maybe I'll get to a place where I want to be. Maybe I'll smile a couple times. So far today I've smiled once. It felt good, but it went away like all good things do. I wish I could stop thinking this way. This is awful. I have a blog post that I don't ever plan to post... but if you really want to know about it then ask. Maybe I'll tell you. Probably will. Maybe I won't. Who knows...

You love me?
Go away.
You love me?
Go away.
Then I'll need you
and you won't be there
and I'll regret the day
I told you to go away.

I need you. Who am I talking to? I don't really know. I need a hug. I need that warm feeling when you get a good hug. That feeling when you know that person really, really cares and is putting everything into that hug. I need to feel like I'm not so alone.

Am I being selfish? I don't mean to be. I really don't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Tears.

In the midst of all the tears... I realize now why I'm hurting. It's always the same kind of hurt. Every single year. I know what it is. I think I know what it is. And I know it wouldn't make sense to many people. I know now. This is killing me because I don't know how to deal with it. I thought that if I understood what was wrong with me and faced it kind of it would go away, but no. I don't know if I know what's completely going on. And if I do know... I don't know how to fix it. I don't even know how to start.

I have no reason to feel unhappy. And I don't think it's that I'm feeling unhappy... it's more that I'm feeling scared and afraid and confusion. I'm sad for certain things plus I'm scared about other things. And then there's the tiredness and stress to add on to this baggage. I miss so many people and a lot of things in the past. I miss the way things used to be and it makes me cry just thinking about it. I miss a lot of my friends, but at the same time I'm happy with my life now and how it turned out even if they're not in my life as much anymore. I hate it while at the same time I just don't. And I think the thing I miss the most is being a kid. I miss the way things used to be when I was living in the old house in Renton. I miss when my mom would hug me and I'd actually feel the love. There are times now where I'd feel it and hear it in her voice, but those don't happen as often as I'd like them too so when they do happy I want to cry so hard.

It's that feeling of love and that caring feeling... and that fear of total and complete abandonment that hurts me. And I feel like everyone is going to leave me and I'm going to be left completely alone. So when I feel like someone cares for me and there's that feeling of closeness and complete happiness... as soon as it's gone... like as soon as I'm no longer with that source of happiness I get absolutely terrified. I get scared that I'm going to get abandoned again. I don't believe in forever... I get scared to make friends because I think "what's the point because I'll probably never see you again." Why do I think this way? Because my mother told me it's true and it always happens. I don't believe in forever... so as soon as someone starts talking about it I know and get reminded that this definitely won't last and everything will fall apart someday. I really hope she's wrong, but I don't know. I don't know what to believe.

And when I feel like this... and when something is happy... there's that feeling in my gut that the happy thing will go away, so it totally destroys everything. I NEVER want to feel this way, but I always do. And when I'm with someone, just anyone, and we get close... I get scared... and I run. Because I don't know. I guess it's that I want to end it before things go to far and everyone ends up hurting more than I wish they would. I don't know. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do. I hate myself for it. I wish I knew how to change, but I don't know if I can.

I'm going to end up alone. Whether or not that ends up being my fault... I don't know.

I think I might've cried for a good hour today. And I don't want to blame the fact that I'm a girl and I'm probably PMSing. I just think that PMS makes your emotions and what you feel magnified and it doesn't mean those feelings aren't true or real. In a way it makes things more clear.

S.O.S.

Super. Over. Stressed.

Someone save me. xD

Library since 3PM.

Working none stop.

Save me somebody.

I need a life! Bahaha.

I'm going crazy. Grawr.

Rain is cleansing.

Hello Rainy Washington (: I'm so glad you're back to your normal self. You really saved me today because I needed something to cleanse my soul... haha. Seriously though I was so stressed out about every little thing today (I think it might have been because I was so tired) and I was going to explode. After school though, after the group interview to be on yearbook staff next year, as soon as I got outside and felt the rain I felt... like relieved or happy. I don't even know. Like as soon as the rain hit my skin I felt like smiling and just taking off my backpack and jacket and just stand there. I didn't though because I had stuff to do, so I decided to just walk down to the library. Felt amazing even though my backpack was super fukkin' heavy from my books.

I feel like crying, I feel like dying. Maybe not that last part about dying... I just put that in cuz it rhymed, but the crying part is for sure. I'm so stressed out about stupid stuff right now. School mostly and that stupid scholarship. It's not even for a college thing! It's just to golf at the country club. Now if I get super good at golf I could get scholarships to college for that. I'm going to post something after this that's all about golf and how I feel about it and all that good stuff. This post is just gonna be about how freaking stressed out I am. I'm at the library right now studying my arse off again like I usually do after school. I love this quiet section of the library. I'm so glad Kels&I discovered it even though we didn't know it was the QUIET section at the time... hahaha.

Things stressing me out:

• MVCC scholarship
• Next school year/schedule (Yearbook staff? Theatre tech? APUSH?)
• Grades... will cry if I don't get them fixed by the end of the week...

My eyes hurt and are super red right now because I'm just that tired.

No, I haven't been crying... I really want to, but I can't though.

Like I've literally tried just sitting on my bed and tried to make myself cry.

It just doesn't work anymore... I'm afraid that it only means...

that when I do cry, it'll be pretty bad...

or I'm all out of tears or I'm not human or just heartless.

Am I depressed again? Nah, just stressed and tired. Super, super tired.

Sleep deprivation causes stress and depression. I'm so screwed. xDDDDDD

Foreshadowing.

Too tired to full on blog. Gonna be super busy.

Here's a list of things to expect to end up being blogged about.

• Sunday, Feb. 21st - The Zoo w/Kelso!
• My new obsession/lover... my bush baby xD
• Stress, stress, and tests.
• MVCC scholarship/golfing.
• Epiphanies/realizations.

:) Here's my bush baby...

...aka the cutest thing ever!! :D

"Hey, Can't kick the habit!

Yeah, I got to have it!

Yeah, I 'm what they call a

Love addict, Love addict!"

Further explanation...

Here's a further explanation on my week & weekend thus far...

• I've got a viral illness. Really not as bad as I'm making it sound. Haha. Not contagious, but I missed school Wednesday to visit the Docs at urgent care. The right side of my neck is swollen due to lymph nodes and it won't go away until 2 or 3 weeks. It's awful.
• Thursday & Friday kind of dragged on. There were things about this week that really sucked. Parents fighting again/still. Friends hurting. Sickness.
• Things are looking up though. I finished all my work for school and such. I've decided to try for that golf scholarship again at the country club. I have my doubts about it, but my coach really thinks I can get it, so I might as well try. Saturday I said I was going somewhere, but went & did something else. I don't usually do these kind of things, but I think it's worth it. And now it's Sunday. Church day. I don't do church, so instead I'll be going to the zoo with my best friend Kelsey. I haven't hung out with her in so long. That's a lie.

Here's a further explanation on a passed post...

• I had a post with a list of people that make me happy and a list of people I miss. On the top of the people I miss list was Kelsey, but that's because even though we still go to the same school... I feel like we've drifted. I really wish that weren't the case. The last time we hung out was at the mall and it didn't feel right at all. I really don't know what I can say about this, but yeah. Hopefully today though I can fix things because I really do miss that girl.

Here's a list of things that I plan to explain further later on...

• The golf scholarship.
• List of firsts/never done before. This is gonna be more a revision kind of thing.
• Music. P.S. there is a new song on my playlist that is super awesome. Listen to it.

"Hold up, wait a minute, put a little love in it!"

- Love Addict by Family Force 5

People.

Here's a list of people who make me happy when I need a little sunshine in my life. (:

• My mom, cuz in the end she'll always be there and I will always love her.

• My dad, because he puts up with me when I think no one else ever would. He supports me in everything I do and he's the best father a girl could ever ask for.

• Lani, because even though she's absolutely aggravating she will always be my little sister and I love the little cards/gifts she makes for me. I love the stories she writes and her first poem and how she might be the only one in the family that shares the same appreciation I have for books. (:

• Nikki Molina - No matter how long we go without talking or seeing each other, nothing seems to change between us. Haha. She's been there for me from first loves to mental breakdowns. And I will always be there for her no matter what happens. She is my best friend and I don't think she knows or understand just how amazing she is.

• Maddie Sharp - Our friendship has turned into something that I don't think I can live without. I remember those days in middle school, but they are nothing like the days we have now. I remember those jokes of Crack, the gifts, and those days during band when we'd hang out in the practice rooms. (: Now we're making new memories with those days after school in the biology room and just hanging out at your house. Eating Nutella and talking about... stuff. Haha. I feel like we have a different, stronger kind of friendship then before. I hope it stays that way (:

• Eric Jacobson - After everything we have been through, he's still a super good friend to me. I honestly don't know what I would do without this kid though. He puts up with all of my crap and even when I'm in a bad mood and take it out on him he doesn't absolutely hate me afterwards. Haha. Of course I feel bad and apologize :P But anyway, this guy has always been there and I think he might always will be. He also has super good taste in music and books. Even though we both know neither of us has the time to read these days. Haha.

• Patrek Martin - As of tomorrow, we will have known each other for an entire month and in this short amount of time you've already made a huge impact on my life. It feels like a lifetime we've known each other. It's crazy and I know you agree. Haha.

That's all I've got for now. I'm sorry if I didn't say anything about you and I should've. I just realized the time, so I'm going to go to bed. Good night.

P.S. Did you notice the new playlist? (:

Here's another list. People that I miss.

• Kelsey Boisvin.
• Shannon Saunders.
• Karlan Stouffer.
• Dakota Lobdell.
• Christina Maciel-Lovato.
• Destinee Hutchinson.

Bipolar.

I feel like I've been very wishy-washy about everyyything. It's ridiculous!

My emotions and mind are going crazy. I don't even know what it is.

I'm going to take a break from technology and stuff for a while.

Let's see how long I can last... xD

3:41 PM - Editing this post... didn't last long.

I feel icky... hurting all over and feeling nauseas. :(

Boom Goes the Dynamite.

Yeah, title is a little random, but I really like it. (: I originally heard it from this awesome show call Veronica Mars and then I heard Anna say it during theatre tech. I was so excited when she said it, but I didn't say or do anything. xD

Anyway, that was a little foreshadowing of a future list I'll make eventually with awesome sayings from TV shows or anything. I'm feeling weird right now. Like I don't know. It's not my normal kind of weird. Haha. That didn't even make sense. I'm sorry. xDDD

I've been thinking which is terrible. I'm not sure what I'm thinking of though. I can't explain or even begin to understand what I'm thinking. Wait, I guess it's more of a feeling then. A bunch of different feelings that I'm not sure what they are. I've been thinking about people and my dad. Which dad? I don't know. I was thinking about my step-dad earlier because I felt really bad for a reason that I don't want to talk about here. And then I was posting old poems onto my poetry blog and I found this one that I wrote about my biological father. Kind of. I haven't posted it yet, but I will eventually. It just, after finding it, it really hit me. I don't know what I want to do about my real dad. Do I want to find him? Do I want to know? Does he know he has a daughter? Does he have a family where ever he's at? Is he alive? So many questions that don't have answers.

I used to think that the past or family history didn't matter. Now I'm not so sure. Like I didn't know much about my mom's childhood or life. I didn't know much about my family history or anything. I didn't really start thinking about it until this year when my mom told me about something... it really explained a lot which is why I'm now kind of convinced that it does matter, but I have this one question about this. Does it change who I am? I mean like does my mom's life, my family history, make a difference to who I am now? I don't know. I'm scared to find out. I mean, you know the movies where people look for their long lost father or mother or what-have-you... and they're thinking that by finding these people they will figure out a piece of who they are... does it really work like that?

I don't even know if 'family history' is the right term. I don't know. I don't know. I HATE not knowing! God. I want to cry, but I can't. Why can't I cry? Why do I feel this need to cry?! I'm sorry. I feel like none of the above made any sense. I can't think straight right now. I'm feeling so dazed and flustered that I can't seem to tell if I'm making any sense. Haha. I'm sorry :/

Haha, wow. Now that I think about it. The title seems appropriate in a way.

A Dream.

He seems way too good to be true right now... Haha. Like today... it's Valentine's Day, but it just seems like a really good dream right now. I can't believe it, but it's all a reality and that's what makes it all that much better. (: I'm not sure whats up, but I've given up on fighting whatever it is I've been fighting. Then again I might not be thinking very clearly right now... I just got home and I have that giddy feeling where you just want to smile and laugh. It's a happy feeling. I feel like this guy might be different from all the rest. Maybe he's even too good for me. I don't know. Today was just amazing even if it's a Hallmark created holiday to scam people out of their money. xD

Highlights of today:

• Getting picked up by Brianna and meeting her friends. (:
• Seeing him & giving him a message in a bottle.
• Watching 3 movies in one night....
• Valentine's Day, Dear John, then the Wolfman!
• Johnny Rockets.
• The Gazebo. [Favorite Part.]
• Jamba Juice. Then the ride home.
• &Talking to Nikki.

Now I'm about to wake up... sort of...

and do chores while I wait for a call from him &/or Madds.

Good night people. (:

Today was a good day for a fake holiday...

Thanks (:

Oh, conformity.

Dang it!

I've conformed due to an undying curiosity...

http://www.formspring.me/RestlessOnMars

Haha (:

Recollection.

I apologize again. I don't know how many saw that last post if anyone. Sorry, I don't know what's up with me today. Just tired. Super glad it's the weekend. I have a lot of stuff on my mind, but at the same time I don't. Wow. You have no idea how out of it I was today. I was on a roll too! Making these jokes today at lunch... it was crazy. Although some of them didn't make any sense at all. Thanks sleep deprivation for making me go completely insane. Haha.

Anyway, thank Godzilla it's Friday. I'm going to SLEEP and have some fun on Sunday. And other stuff, but their not as fun. Hahaha.

I don't know what was up with the last post, so please don't ask about it.

Things that made my day:

• Scrubs
• Every Avenue
• Nikki
• Patrek
• Reaching my goal of a 3.9 GPA!!!

I'm still feeling down, but I am feeling better.

And trust me... as soon as I get some sleep, I'll be a whole lot better. (:

Growing?

I am growing into a different person. A better person? I don't know. I've been happy... like in a different way. I don't know what it is. The sad thing that I can't understand though is that I just want to cry... I don't know what it is. Everything is just going right in my life right now at least I feel like it is, but I have this urge to cry... I just want to go to sleep crying, but I can't. It's like I won't let myself cry and I don't even know what it is that makes me want to do this.

The things in life going right:

• School.
• Friends.
• Him&I.
• Theatre.
• Museum.
• Golf.
  

The things going wrong:

• Family... my Mother&I.

There's been this tension that I can't get rid of. I wrote new poem. I don't know. It said something about feeling empty. I was happy or content with my life and I didn't know how empty I really felt. I'm starting to make my own decision and make my own life, but it's hard when you are so limited. I want to graduate and shoot for an Ivy League college. I just want to go to Boston or New York. I want to be away. I pretty much want to start a new life away from everything. Am I running from my past? What past though?! I just recently learned about a lot of... bad? terrible? scary? family history on my mom's side. I'm confused about a lot of things now. I don't even know. And there's not much to go on with my dad's side. I mean I don't even know the guy, so whatever. I love my step-dad though, and I've said this before, but I'll say it again... if I could've chosen who my dad was, it would've been him (:

Wow. Now that I read this over again... I don't know whether or not I've grown or taken a step back. I'm so confused. I have to leave the KW library and go home, but I'll probably continue on with this some other time...

Things in life to look forward to:Sunday, February 14th.
NOT because it's Valentine's Day, but because it's 'Movie Madness' day... xD

Beauty.

Every Avenue.

In English today Mr. Maebori [AznBoi xD] asked us to come up with a theme song for the new semester and basically come up with our own theme song... I chose two.

Only the World by Mandisa for the lyrics

& Chasing the Night by Every Avenue for the lyrics and just the way it sounds.

If you don't know that Mandisa song, look it up because I think it's amazing and I'm sure you'll love it too... maybe. Haha. And the Every Avenue song is the first on my new playlist.

I'm really getting into Every Avenue again. I mean I was sort of into them before, but now I'm listening to a lot more of their songs out of curiosity and I love'em.

The lyrics to their songs surprise me the most for some reason. I don't know what it is.

I feel like dancing for absolutely no reason...

Wow. I feel like this post had no structure to it whatsoever. Blah. I need sleep.

Haha. I'm off! Good night. Sort of. (:

Carbon Leaf.

Damn, I love Tuesdays. Haha. It was by far one of the best days I've had in a while... one of many best days I guess. I don't really know. Haha. I'm just happy with how my day went. And I'm happy for my friends. (: Maddie is amazing! Go girl! Hahaha.

Ummm... so recap of the amazingness:

Math is math. I'm a nerd that loves math... deal with it.

Substitute in Digital Design. Did work. Then Halo (:

Finished an amazing movie in AP biology: "Gifted Hands"

English we played a fun game. 5 nouns in a bag. Group = Leaders of the class :D

Easy day of CWI... no work yet. Just color personality test. I'm true blue.

And we got work done in theatre. Always a fun class.

Best part of my day was definitely after school...

first I stopped by the biology room to talk to Stowell about my grade.

I got my B up to a B+ and now it's an A-minus! I got all my A's for the semester!!!

You have no idea how happy I am about this. I just have to keep it up.

Then I walked down to the library to meet up with somebody. (:

We went to Cutters Point (aka best place ever)

and played some games. Two games of checkers and a game of Jenga.

Haha. I'm so good at checkers, but not so good at Jenga. xD

But yeah, after that we chilled at the library like usual and it was fun.

I did some homework while he studied his slang... hahaha.

And right now I'm playing Uno on Facebook&losing badly...

Ummm, yeah. Oh! and while at the library I discovered a group called Carbon Leaf.

Haha. That's why I decided to title this post what I did.

Twitter.

Quotes that made my day and/or made me think...

"In spite of everything I still believe people are really good at heart." - Anne Frank

and

"It's beauty that captures your attention, personality that captures your heart." - Unknown

as well as

"The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart." - Elisabeth Foley

Deluge.

I woke up today and just couldn't/didn't want to get up! Not just because I was tired, but I'm so sore right now. I'm just sore all over, but I'm not sure why... rough night I guess ;D Jussst kidding! Haha. It was probably from going to the driving range yesterday. It was a while since I swung some clubs and I forgot to stretch beforehand, so it's pretty much my own fault. xD

Now I've been doing a lot of thinking about so many things. I don't know whether or not to be stressed out either. There's so much I feel like doing, but I don't know where to start. And then there's that feeling that I might be forgetting something. I don't know what it is, but I'm scared. Haha. I feel like there is something really important that I need to prepare for or something, but I don't know what it is. A lot has to do with that daily schedule thingy I'm going to make/am making.

• Museum/Orientation
• Theatre tech./yearbook staff
• Golf/membership/lessons
• College planning/future
• Birthdays (parties/bashes)

New semester... clean-ish slate. Haha. AP exam are coming up in May, so this semester we are going to get into essay writing for those essay questions. And this semester I start CWI which I'm not excited for at all. I've heard only bad things about that class. I heard the teacher is awesome, but the class just sucks. I can't wait. Bring it on. Haha. The play is coming up in May as well. I'll be working at the theatre everyday come April 19th... fun stuff. Hopefully the cast party will be tons of fun this time. Last time it kind of sucked. Oh well. Oh! and a ton of birthdays are coming up and I still need to make arrangements for their birthday bash! Busy, busy, busy.

And I still don't know about running start... but I don't think I'm going to do it. I plan on taking tons of AP classes next year though. We'll see what happens.

Dear Blogger...

I want to blog so badly right now, but my computer continuously shuts down on me. So I've decided to handwrite everything first before posting. I have so much to talk about and for some reason the past couple day have been feeling very bipolar to me. My period has finally come to an end, so I'm thinking more clearly. Now that I can organize my thoughts better, I want to talk about my days starting with Thursday, February 4th.

• Thursday

This was a good day, especially after school with the hard finals over with and hanging out with Patrek. I did good on my algebra final (88%) and better than expected in AP biology (79%). I feel like I could've done better, but it's alright because I've got my grades where I want them to be.

Now I think that after school was the best part of that day. Patrek came by KW and I showed him around the theatre. I brought him up to the catwalks where we just talked. Then we went down to Foss (not Fo55) and bought some food, then walked to the library. Oh and I had my first Italian soda ever! (: And when we were at the library, Patrek&I found this awesome book. Haha.

• Friday

Yesterday kind of sucked because of my Digital Design class/final. I don't even want to get into that right now. English was great, but in theatre tech. my self-esteem was kind of shot down. And then after school my mother totally killed my weekend. I wanted to go to Deveon's party today, but my mom was being completely unreasonable. Apparently it doesn't matter how hard I've worked this entire week or how unoften I get to hang out with some people. I don't even know anymore. I"m just so tired of this... of feeling so trapped. I don't know, but at like 9:30pm Patrek called and I had the longest conversation I've ever had on the phone. Sort of... I'm not really sure, but 5 & a half hours is a pretty long time! Haha. That phone call definitely made my Friday. (:

• Today

Today was better. It was good to just sort of relax and have some of that much needed 'me' time. The only down side was the chores, but it wasn't too bad because I watched Veronica Mars with my dad. We bought all 3 seasons the day before, so I started watching those while I did laundry. Before that though I went to the driving range with my dad and Tatay. I got to hit with my new clubs and they felt great except for the blisters on my right hand... ouch! Haha. Oh well. No pain, no gain... right? (:

So all in all... life is good. I just have to start making a schedule for daily stuff because I have a lot going on that I need to keep track off. Otherwise I might drown in an overwhelming deluge of stress... and that would suck. Haha. I'll blog about that later on when I have it figured out. I'm excited for next weekend though. Four day weekend and hopefully I get to hang out with some people... :]

Evolution.

I apologize for the last post. I can't seem to think straight lately. Finals are just killing me and I'm tired all the time. Just so drained and I can't wait for the weekend. I can't wait for tomorrow either... I think the reason for the last post was because I was conflicted about stuff, but I have it almost all sorted out. Haha.

I have tons of things to talk about, kinda... it's kind of random crap at the same time. Hahaha. Oh and I've been told that my blog is sort of hard to follow because I post so much! I'm sorry!!! Haha. I can't really help it. Sorry!

Anyway... New blog layout! New-ish playlist!

And I really want to go to Coldstones again and buy an ice cream cake like that time with Nikki & I think it was Kelsey (: Only this time we sing&dance to those stupid pop songs that we secretly love. Haha.

For the past week I've had three songs stuck in head:

• Falling Slowly from the movie Once
• Teenagers by My Chemical Romance
• &Fall for You by Secondhand Serenade

Random awesome fact! Inglourious Bastards has 8 Oscar nominations!!

Plans for tomorrow:

1. School (Finals: Math, AP biology, then health)
2. Hangin biology room with Madds, Catherine, &Sunita.
3. Meet up with Patrek (:

Yup, it's gonna be a good day... excluding finals. Haha.

Question of the day:

Should I do running start?

Rethinking.

I'm starting to rethink my position on some things. I'm thinking about whether or not to really let this person in... I still don't understand what I'm so afraid of. I feel like I'm too weird or something. I'm thinking about the past again and how I made some irrational decisions before, but usually during a relationship. I get stupid and scared and forget to think and before I can I run... I think the worst part of it though is that no one really fights for it. We kind of just say ok and go our separate ways without even trying to save anything. Is that my fault? Is it anyones? Maybe we just didn't care for each other to try... maybe it just wasn't what real...

Maybe I'm over thinking it, but lately I think I've been underthinking it. I guess I'm afraid that if I let him in or let him in anymore than I already have, he'll think I'm really weird or something and I'd scare him away. He says it's not true and won't happen, but what if he's saying that just to be nice. I feel like maybe I shouldn't have let it get this far this soon or even at all. Ugh. I just want to stop thinking all together.

What am I afraid of?
Why do I open up to people just to close them out again?


P.S. Please don't read too much into this. I'm on my period, so I'm a little delusional. Sorry. I'll get over this phase or whatever you want to call it. Just gimme a week... xDDDD

Productive.

I think too much.

I think too soon.

I think too hard.

I'm such a loon.

Hahaha. I know that was weird and quite random. I couldn't help it. It's Tuesday. A good day. Always a good day. I'm just totally drained. I don't know what it was from. Could've been from the school day or just the walk down here... I don't want to go home. I don't want to face my mom. I don't know why, but I feel like she might still be mad at me about last night. I don't know. Is it weird that I fear my mother? Maybe it's normal... maybe not. I'm far from normal, so who knows. Haha. Anyway, I'm feeling pretty productive today. I'm going to get work done... mostly cuz I have to, but partly because I'm just in a working/determined mood.

Time to get down to business...

1. Genetic Disorder Brochure.
2. Digital Design Event Website.
3. Algebra review assignments.
4. Studying for AP Bio. final!!!

Thank God for late start tomorrow because I might be staying up for a while. =/

Oh well. (:

P.S. I'm playing x-box or Combat Arms when I get home ;D

Life Goes On.

It is the first of February if you have yet to notice. It was kind of hard deciding what to blog about. I always write a lot, but today I didn't know what I was going to write. I had an idea to write something about my friends because they are amazing and I hung out with people after school, but Patrek already posted a blog about his friends and I didn't want to do the same thing as someone else. He beat me again... jerk. Haha. Jk. Seriously though, today was a great Monday. I'm even feeling pretty productive and am getting work done for biology. I completely forgot about my genetic disorder brochure, but it's ok.

Anyway, I decided to blog about life and make two kinds of lists. After 7th grade I have been doing a lot of things for the first time, so my first list is a list of firsts. Haha. My second is a list of things I've yet to do/see... (:

First time...

• ...flying a kite. (Summer of 7th or 8th grade)
• ...ice skating. (9th grade)
• ...rolling skating. (10th grade)
• ...playing guitar hero. (9th grade)
• ...riding a quad/ATV. (9th grade)
• ...inner tubing. (Summer of 8th grade)
• ...wiping out inner tubing. (Summer of 9th grade)
• ...playing thirteen. (10th grade)
• ...pulling an all-nighter. (Sometime in middle school)
• ...falling in love? (8th grade?)
• ...kissing a boy. (8th grade)
• ...golfing competitively. (9th grade/8th grade summer)
• ...publishing a poem. (8th grade)
• ...going to a concert. (10th grade)
• ...driving. (9th grade/summer)

Still have to do/yet to come...

• ...sit on a roof.
• ...watch a sunset.
• ...leave the country (excluding Canada).
• ...play mini-golf/putt-putt.
• ...go to a school dance.
• ...bungee jump.
• ...sky dive.
• ...sleep under the stars.
• ...ride in a helicopter.
• ...go to Vegas.
• ...learn to play the piano.
• ...learn to play the guitar.

Ah, I'm sure there is more for that 2nd list, but I just can't think of anything. I'll probably add to it later on. I have to go and work on biology for now. I'm out for the night. Byez! :D