It's been a wonderful week. I mean really wonderful. Some bumps here and there, but that's life. I keep saying that and that'll be my excuse for most things until I have them figured out. I've been working on a... I know it's silly, but a song maybe... I don't know. I've had a lot of stupid ideas in my head and lately I've been having a lot of things going through my mind. Top priority though are my grades. Then my family. Friends... so on. I love my family... I feel like everything is finally good. I feel like I've grown and it shows in the way I am with my family because family is everything to me. I can't lie to them... I used to, but I'm just done with that.
The past couple of weeks, I've been arguing with this stupid voice inside my head. Haha. I sound crazy, but it's what I do. I've been debating whether or not it'd just be better/easier to be a robot with no feelings. I mean, I've already been feeling like a heartless bitch. But I'm getting over that. Slowly, but surely. I've decided that it IS ok to have feelings and feelings are the hardest things to figure out, but I don't think they're meant to be figured out. I think feelings are a kind of thing that guide you. I argued that if I were a robot I'd feel kind of lonely and want to cry, but if I were a robot I wouldn't feel anything at all so that isn't possible... I don't know what I'm trying to say with this, but I think that if I shut in my emotions and shut people out of my heart... I may live a very broken and lonely life. I think I might be the only one that understands what I'm trying to say. This is me trying to talk about feelings after I've already said that feelings can't really be figured out. Haha.
This week with family and just getting work done and spending time with friends... I've just realized that I'll never be happy if I shut people out. And I've realized that I don't have to leave my heart wide open. I can leave the door open just a crack. (:
I just don't think I'm ready to fall in love or anything just yet. Relationships just don't compute well with me. Not yet anyway. I knew that last year... what happened this year? Last year I kind of went into sleep mode. I followed a routine. I became a robot, mostly. The one thing that kept be from becoming one completely were feelings of loneliness and depression. And then this year, something happened to wake me up. I'm grateful... thankful. It was sort of life changing. So my heart is open just a crack to let friends and family in, but I don't think I'll be ready for anything else for a long while. So for now I will love my family and fall into friendship with whoever I decide to let in.
Not my song, but it's how I feel and it makes me happy (:
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