Abandonment.

I just got done watching this movie, 2012. I thought it was a great movie despite the poor effects. It got me thinking though about people and how sad I'd be without them. Like as I'm typing this I'm listening to From Where You Are by Lifehouse [added to playlist] and the lyrics are sad.

I'm remembering this horrible nightmare I had. I think my worst fear is being alone/abandoned... and my nightmare was so terrifying that I remember waking up crying so hard... I hope I never have to go through that in reality and I feel terrible for those who do and have lived that.

I love and care about so many people, but I don't think I tell them enough how much I appreciate them. I mean I dedicate blogs to people and stuff, but there's a huge difference when you look into someones eyes and tell them how much you care along with a hug and such. I used to think that it didn't matter how friendships turned out because in the end there won't be anyone around. Then I realized how lonely and awful that feels. How terrible it would feel to be abandoned and alone... but I realized that that would only happen if I acted the way I really thought. I don't know if any of that made sense, but it doesn't have to. It makes sense to me. Kind of.

I hate thinking like this and I don't want to, but I honestly can't help it. It sucks and I'm trying to change, but it's hard. The more I hang out and trust certain people, the more I realize that not everyone is going to abandon you. I don't know when I started to feel and fear abandonment... I know for sure that my mother had something to do with it, but now that I think about it, I don't think she meant to do that. I might have just taken what she said the wrong way. I just need to try to fix it though. Fix me. If that's what you want to call it.

I have my doubts sometimes and I'm saying this now... but if I ever say or do anything that may seem like I don't care or I act like I don't want to be part of your life anymore or the other way around... I'm sorry. It's my defense mechanism. I run as fast as I can in the other direction, but not because I don't care, but because I'm worried that I might care so much to actually let you in and then when I really need you, you won't be there.

That's my fear. Believing in someone that I care about and trusting them to be there... and they're not there. I was afraid I was losing my friends last year, so I actually asked my mom for advice. And she says to me, "It doesn't matter. After high school, once your in college... you'll never see them again, so who cares." I really hope that isn't true. It sucks/hurts to think that might be true. I don't think it's true for most people, but for me it might be.

I have this plan to go as far away from here as possible, but now that I think about it... what if I need help and no one is around? Wouldn't that be my own fault? Don't get me wrong... it's not that I want to leave here because I want to get away from my friends. I want to get out to make something of myself and live on my own.

I'm scared of being alone, but if I keep living like this... it'll be my own fault. I always told myself I don't ever need help from anybody, but that's a lie. I'm just too stupid to ask for it and eventually it'll be too late.

I know none of this makes sense. I don't want to be alone/abandoned, yet I want to go away to college far from home... I don't know if I can completely explain it, but I don't think anyone would really understand. I don't know where I'm going with this post anymore.

I'm sorry.