Laugh!

Alright, so if I think about it, my day was pretty awesome and amazing. Haha. Little bit of everything actually. (: I bought coffee for Madds who had already bought one, but drank it anyway. Ummm... we made cows in digital design. xDDD I got my first choice for the pathogen project in biology! I've got the bubonic plague... the black plague. Black death! Hahaha. I'm excited for this poster project. Lunch was fun as usually. Had an unusually good salad. We had a pretty chill day in english just watching other peoples satire videos. My group got 100% and Maebori asked for a DVD copy. I'm so happy. Haha. I feel super accomplished. (: And then CWI... eh. Haha. Work gets done. That's all the matters. Theatre tech! I was in charge of the cats. My favorite place. We got a bit done. It's all good.

AH! After school was the best. The only downside for biology was that we have like 3 projects due next week, but my group for one of them is making good progress. I'm feeling good about this. And then I chilled with Madds and Catherine. We did work, mostly... and went to Panda Express. Amazinnnng! Haha. And that was my day. I've got to get to work. I really want to get stuff done and watch Justified. An amazing new show. Can't wait for tomorrow. New episode of Bones. Then next Wednesday is a new episode of Criminal Minds. Ahhhh! Fabulous! xDDD

Music.

So Eric did that thing again where he tells me about this band and I end up obsessing over them. Damn you, Eric. xD

The super, mega bad part of this is that they aren't on playlist.com. But here's their YouTube page... http://www.youtube.com/user/OlegCheb

You really should check them out. The drummer in the "Superman" video is in Eric's advisory which makes this band all that much cooler. Alright.

Anyway, there was another song on my playlist I've decided to add. It's a great song by The Script. I really love these guys. Madds would appreciate this (:

Alright. I'm done for the night. Peace.

Craptastic is a fun word (:

The title is a little random, I know. Haha. Sorry about that, but I really like saying that word for some reason. Anyway, today was a better day. Tuesdays always are, but I think I'm a freak because everyone seems to strongly dislike Tuesdays. Haha. I'm all caught up with school and my grades are good. I'm opening up my eyes to all new friendships. This guy, Anthony, he isn't as bad I thought. I think I really want to get to know this one girl, Cara. I'm getting to know Catherine and I think Danny & I are finally back to being friends. Kelsey & I are hanging out and talking more often... and yeah. No matter how much I isolate myself from people, I think I kind of need them. =P

Theatre tech. was my favorite class of the day as it usually is. We were painting again and I felt like a Smurf because of all the blue paint on my hands. Haha. It was fun. There's more friendships in this class as well. Rachel & I have this love/hate thing going on. It's hilarious. Brianna is still awesome and she has a friend from Brazil that will be around for a while. He's cool. His name is Kel-is... or at least that's how you pronounce it. Haha. He's her 'brazilian' friend who speak Portuguese which Ms. Lloyd loves. Haha. It's funny. And yeah... just another day. Oh and I ran into Eric's paint pan and got paint on my shirt. Fun stuff. Hahahaha. Jerk. xD

And I think Mikaylie is right... we should have a soap opera/show about theatre tech.

It'd be so funny. (:

6 Songs.

Loser: 6 Songs? It was 5 earlier!

Me: Well read the freaking post and you'll see why I added it. I made a somewhat reasonable reason for all the songs I put on my playlist.

Loser: Why'd you make my name 'Loser?'

Me: Cuz that's what you are.

Loser: You suck.

Me: Duh.

xDDDDDDD

• Take a Drink by Quietdrive -- Because it's a great song that I found on an old playlist. (:

• The Pretender by Foo Fighters -- Because I've just started listening to them and love them.

• Learn to Fly by Foo Fighters -- Because Jack Black is in the music video... you should check it out!

• We Can Go Anywhere by Jesse McCartney -- Because Justin Bieber ain't got nothing on Jesse McCartney :D

• Catastrophe by Four Year Strong -- Because I completely forgot about this song until I saw the Four Year Strong poster in the movie Jennifer's Body xD

• Innocent by Our Lady Peace -- Because Kelsey told me to... and Our Lady Peace is just amazing.

And in case you are confused... I have a new playlist with only these songs on it. And 'panacea' is a new vocabulary word we got in English, so I decided to use it in my tag because it's true. If you don't know what the word means, look it up in the dictionary. You might learn something today ;)

What of life?

So life had been good to me. And I'm seeing the beauty of friendship and helping others out even if you don't know them. I believe that just because it is raining, it doesn't have to be a bad day or a sad day. I know that there are things that will hurt us, but those things make us stronger and we learn from them. I've learned in this life that you can't keep things inside. It's not healthy. It can kill you. I've learned that no matter what, two people can be friends for a long while.

I realize now that it was a lot of my fault and just... I don't know. I don't want to call them wrong decisions, because they didn't feel wrong. I guess I just kind of jumped the gun. I just don't know how to balance so many things at once. And I feel so selfish and it wasn't fair. I'm sorry. I'm still learning. I don't know. Someday it'll make sense, but that day wasn't today.

Life has been good to me, but it wasn't easy and didn't come free. Many obstacles have been overcome, but there are still many to come, whether or not I'm ready for them. Hard decisions have been made and there are still many I need to make for myself. I can never find the right words to say. I can feel the things I want to say, but the words can never take shape and form. It sucks, but that's life. My life anyway. I don't know about anyone else.

This is kind of random ranting post of word/mind vomit. Gross analogy, but somewhat effective. I love being busy and working. I think I'll end up being a workaholic when I'm older because I actually enjoy it. I know it's kind of lame, but I can't help it. I wouldn't mind it either if it weren't for the consequences... always working means no free time... means stress... and increased risk of a heart attack. Haha. Last one is true, but just a random thing. I'm more worried about the first couple things. I know from some kind of experience that working all the time and not taking a break can cause mental breakdowns and loss of social skills. It's not fun, but it happens. When I used to not care about the people that I knew because I thought we'd never be friends forever and crap I was ok with it. Now that I've learned that friendships and other things might actually last... I've had a near complete change of heart. I mean I'd still rather work and stuff than face things, but that's me. Nothing lasts forever and nothing is ever perfect. But some things last for a while and when they do it's amazing. And sometimes when something isn't perfect... it just means it's real.

I think people just need to look on the bright side of things and try to make the most of what they have. I'm not saying that I'm optimistic. I'm not saying I'm anything. That doesn't mean I don't believe in certain things. That also doesn't give you the right to say that I'm anything I may or may not be. Haha. Random again kinda. xD

And I told myself I'd never be the kind of girl to cry over anything or anyone. I didn't think it would feel like this though. I don't know. Not saying that I did cry or am going to. Just saying that I have that feeling... ugh, I can't explain it. Whatever. I'm going to do school shit. Maybe write an essay or two for the hell of it. I know! Kind of lame and dorky again. xDDDD Anyway, that was just some stuff I felt like saying. So it has been said. Maybe it'll be read. Who knows. That's life. Enjoy it.

Things on my mind...

• The National Society of High School Scholars
• Golfing/Varsity/Team/Scholarship
• Poetry... club next year... contest...
• AP Biology... exam...
• Money... lack of...
• Stuff...

College.

Alright. So I've decided what poem I'll be entering into this contest. I showed a handful of my poems to people and did a poll on which one people liked the best. My teachers were supportive and helpful, especially Ms. Lloyd. I'm hoping to win, but I'll be ok if I don't. That fact that I'm actually taking this step already makes me a winner. Or I could just be saying that because I'm very pessimistic about winning anything at all. Haha. I'm thinking about college, hence the post title. (: I don't know. I just know that I want to go into something historical or English related. Just something I'll like. I want a PhD and to get into a nice school. I just want to make a good life for myself without help from anyone, but I know that I'll need help and I know who I can go to... so it's alright.

So I got a lot done today and I'm glad. And, my goodness, many parts of my day were just so much fun. Math was more of a work day, so work got done. We worked on our aliens again in Digital Design. Haha. Biology... well... blah. Lunch was spent reviewing our Satire Video Project in the library with Natalie. Then I feel like our video was a hit! I'm contemplating putting it on YouTube, but I'll talk to my group about it first. Then CWI work got done, but the best part was pretty much getting an extra weekend to do everything. Haha. Then theatre tech... best class of the day. I talked about poetry and my poem with Ms. Lloyd and we listened/danced to Michael Jackson as we (mostly) worked. Best way to end a school day. :D

And I'm confident I won't completely bomb my biology test tomorrow. Haha. Maybe not ace it, but it won't be major suckage. Ummm... I'll be talking my vocabulary test after school tomorrow because I'll be at Mattson promoting the theatre because it's amazing! Haha. And I don't have to take my CWI Africa quiz until next week and I'll have the weekend to do my current event. Haha. I'm so happy. xDDD I'm still going to ask about what's on those quizzes and stuff... that way I'm extra prepared. ;)

Hopefully I'll be able to go to the Cherry Blossom Festival tomorrow too. My parents still haven't decided. I guess I'll have to wait and see, but I'm excited for my interview on Saturday! It's supposed to be just a 10 to 15 minute interview to get to know me better. I'm not sure what to expect exactly. I'm just supposed to show up in appropriate clothing and go into the bigger building. I hope I'm not too poor for these Country Club folk. Haha. I'm fairly confident I'll get this scholarship though. I just don't want to get my hopes up though. Ugh. :/

Oh well. We'll see how it goes, I guess.

Life is good so far... let's keep it that way. Haha.

More Lists.

These are more notes for myself and stuff. Haha.

Tomorrow's Plan:

• Starbucks.
• Math.
• Digital Design.
• Biology. Study!! Test Friday!
• English. Have Maebori sign form. Reschedule vocab. quiz. After school?
• CWI. Have Short sign form. Reschedule Africa quiz. After school?
• Theatre tech. Give Lloyd form all signed.
• More biology studying after school.

Friday!

• Starbucks.
• Math.
• Digital Design.
• Biology Test!
• Have Natalie or Eric turn in my current event article for me.
• Missing last 3 periods of the day! Going to Mattson to promote theatre tech!
• Ask Eric about what the quizzes were like&what I'll need to know for the Africa quiz!
• Vocab. and/or Africa Quiz after school?
• Cherry Blossom Festival! (5:30 to 9PM)

Other stuff:

• MVCC Scholarship Interview Saturday - 1:15PM
• AP Exam Fee DUE by March 31st - $86

Tuesday Morning.

AH. I'm feeling good. Last night I couldn't sleep that well because I was panicking because an essential group member won't be at school tomorrow to work on our video... but it's ok. I've got a plan. And it's gonna be great. Haha. I'm going to have a good attitude. I feel really good about how I look today too. Haha. I kind of dressed up because there's that thing... look good, feel good. (: Plus, if it's gonna be a bad and stressful day... might as well look good, right? xDDD

Ok, so I will have a good day. Things are going to get done. And I'm going to see Patrek today. What's not good about that? Haha. Plus, my dad is home, so I don't have to walk to school today. Tuesdays are lovely. It's gonna be a good day. I hope.

New Day.

Today was... interesting. Very productive I thought. Got work done in math. Had a good time in Digital Design. Made Pong ;) Biology was biology. Watched a video. Bought italian sodas with Madds at lunch. Did work in English. Colored in CWI. And had fun in theatre tech. Lloyd asked me to go back to Mattson and promote the theatre for next year. So some time next week I'll be going to Mattson during their lunches to talk into taking theatre tech and stuff. I wanted to do this, but I didn't think she'd ask me (: I'm super glad she did. Hahaha. And tech was just interesting today... hahaha. Eric knows what I'm talking about. Super funny stuff. After school my group did lots of work and filming. I felt like we got a lot done. Croce was there, so we had our little battle as usual. Haha. Your mom vs. your dad.... hahahaha. Yeah. Anyway, a lot got done today. I'm glad. I'm a little less stressed. I'm just excited for this week and the next. It just seems like it'll be good. Now, I got this quote from twitter and it made me think of a couple things. I don't want to get into it right now... but yeah. (:

"It's not true that nice guys finish last. Nice guys are winners before the game even starts." ~ Addison Walker

My Longest. Post. Evarrrrr?

YES! Finally! I’ve have actually found the time and energy to blog… haha. Oh how I’ve miss you blogger. (: I bet you’ve been feeling awfully lonely. LOL. I’m a little crazy. So what.

GAHHHHH… I’m trying to play this stupid game and blog at the same time… since I suck so freaking bad I’m the first to lose, so I get time to blog. Hahahaha. Sad, right? My mom told me about this game and she got me addicted. I feel like my relationship with my family has gotten a lot better over this week and weekend. I actually feel loved by my mom. I actually feel like a good older sister. And yeah. Haha.

Now I’ve been very busy this week and I’ve been so drained by every little thing. I’ve had trouble sleeping, but I discovered why and it’s all alright. Haha. Seriously though, a lot has been going on / has happened. I want to give a day by day replay of my entire week starting with Sunday night – March 14th.

• Sunday Night – I couldn’t really sleep. I laid in bed at midnight, but I remember not actually falling asleep until 5:30am… no, I wasn’t staying up late playing games on the computer like I am now. Haha. I swear! I wouldn’t do that on a school night =P Anyway, I don’t know what was up with that. I just couldn’t sleep. It sucked, but I survived the day. That wasn’t what freaked me out though! Haha. Well I wasn’t really freaked out, but it made me laugh so hard. I had the weirdest dream. I’m not sure what it was entirely about, but all I really remember is that Scooby-Doo, whom is a male dog, was pregnant. Haha. I was telling people about this at lunch and one of the first things I said was, “so I guess Scooby’s been shaggin’ with Shaggy.” XDDDD

• Monday – Ah! At first I kind of forgot how this day went. I remember now because this was the day that my scholarship stuff was due. Starting from the beginning… My mom came home from work early the night before, so I was able to get a ride to school. And the day went on like it normally does. Except the whole day I was working on an autobiography for the MVCC scholarship. The day ended sunny and I finished my entire paper in the library afterschool. My dad picked me up and we dropped it off. I’m somewhat proud of how my autobiography turned out… even though I did it all in one day. Haha.

• Tuesday – I love Tuesdays! I swear, this was probably my favorite day of the entire week other than parts of Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. Hahaha. Went to Starbucks with Maddie&Danny. Finished the reading section of the HSPE a half hour early. Had lunch in the band room where I had a coke bottle sword fight with Brian. Haha. Registered for my classes next year (APLAC, APUSH, Physics, Pre-Calc/Trig, French, &Creative Writing/Poetry Workshop). Nothing really in Digital Design. Then UNO and cookies in math! Haha. Best way to end a good day. (:

• Wednesday – St. Patrick’s Day. Went to Cutters Point with Maddie, Brian, and Danny. We drank tons of coffee (or should I say that I did), except for Danny. It was Brian’s first time drinking coffee. We played Jenga and Danny sucks at it. Haha. Writing HSPE. Nothing special. Kind of skipped out on lunch and just went to class. Ms. Lloyd was back! Then I got together with Croce, Natalie, and Darielle after school and we talked about our project. It was fun stuff. And yeah. Haha. I can’t really remember what else happened. I know something else made me happy this day, but I can’t freaking remember. Oh well.

• Thursday – I didn’t go with the gang to get coffee because I wanted to get a ride with my dad. They replaced me with Jerame. Haha. Unfortunately my dad wouldn’t go to Starbucks though… but I guess it wasn’t all bad that I didn’t go because I guess they’d gotten into a little accident. Everything is alright. Danny’s backpack is just stuck in his trunk for eternity. Haha. Ummm… more writing. Last day though! Haha. And since it was the last day of the HSPE for the week, classes were like super short, like 20-30 minutes each. We didn’t do much of anything during class and stuff. I think we played UNO in math… and I presented my CD cover in Digital Design. My badass CD cover. I swear, it was sooo good. Hahaha. And then I went home, watched the Crazies, and drew Madds a pretty picture. Hahahaha.

• Friday – My dad dropped me off at school again and still wouldn’t go to Starbucks. Haha. It was a regular day today because HSPE is over for now. Digital design actually became interesting. We’re learning how to use and make stuff in FLASH. It’s kind of awesome… haha. And then in AP biology… I thought I was screwed but since KW won the track meet against Tahoma, we didn’t have to turn in the notes we were SUPPOSED to take… haha. The substitute made a deal that if we won against Tahoma we didn’t have to turn’em in. Thank you track kids. Lunch was fun as always. I bought a frappicino at the espresso stand which was a lot better than I’d expected it to be. We worked on our satire video projects in English. I helped out another group and was in this embarrassing scene… can’t wait til the class sees it. xD Then we had a quiz on South America in CWI, which I think I did pretty well on. A lot of work got done in theatre tech. I cut a lot with the circular saw and all that stuff. After school I spent time with the family at Costco. I bought the latest Maximum Ride book, FANG by James Patterson. When we got home, I helped my mom make some yummy spaghetti! :D

• Saturday – More family time! Haha. Went to visit my Nanay with my mom and sister. Before that though we went to Starbucks and Great Wall. Afterwards we went to Fred Meyers and bought ice cream at Baskin Robins. They brought back one of my favorite flavors! I was so stoked when I saw it xDDD Watermelon Ice. That stuff is ah-may-zing. I’m not even kidding. Haha. After that we went to Wal-Mart, then Kohl’s. My mom was trying to find a shirt to wear because she was going out with some people. She didn’t come home until after 2am… I know this because I was up til then. Hahaha. After she left the house though, I pretty much just chilled and played games online. My dad bought this fire thing and so my sister&I attempted making s’mores. We failed, but the gram crackers, marshmellows, and chocolate were still good separately. Hahaha. I finished the night watching movies with my dad & sister. The Spy Next Door and UP. I loveeeee UP. It’s a real tear jerker….. xP

• Sunday/Today – I helped out Maddie, Catherine, Sunita, and Rachel with their satire video at KW. I got to throw stuff at them (tennis balls, basketballs, and beanie babies). Hahaha. After that I went over to Natalie’s to work on our video with Darielle. On the way home we were singing us some Billy Joel with hand gestures. Hahaha. I added one of the songs to my playlist because it’s just that awesome. Hahaha. Now I’m home, just ate me some meat lovers pizza, now I’m working on school sh*t while playing games and blogging. Hahaha.

AND! I just got one of the best phone calls ever! Haha. Over exaggeration, but seriously, I’m super glad I decided to answer my phone this time. xDDDD I got a phone call from a lady on the MVCC committee or whatever. I’m going in for an interview about the scholarship next Saturday! March 27th. I’m so excited and nervous, but I’m determined to get this scholarship. I want this so bad. You have no idea. Like ahhh… it’s been a good week. (:

The Weekend.

Wow. I don't even know where or how to start on this roller coaster of a weekend. I think it's weird how some people compare things to a roller coaster, especially when they compare it to something mostly good. I mean roller coasters are supposed to be fun and exciting. I don't know. Just saying.

Anyway... there were a lot of good's and bad's and scary's of my weekend. There was Friday... had a slight mental breakdown, but I blame the lack of sleep. Saturday [yesterday] I didn't go to Tolo, but we made other plans. So during the day there was a lot of TV watching, HW, and computer games going on before the fight/party. Patrek came over and met a very small portion of my family and my mother. We went and picked up Nikki & Deveon... went to Maddie's. Then Maddie, Nikki, Patrek, Deveon, Danny, Brian, and I all went bowling down at Kent Bowl. It was fun and I'm a lot better at bowling than I thought I was. Oh! And we found ducks! And fed them! And named them Poncho&Henry. Hahaha. After that we went to Little Caesars, grabbed us some food, and went over to Maddie's and just chilled.

We went home at around 11pm. When I got home the fight was over, but the fam was, as I expected, drinking and playing poker. Pacman won... of course. Haha. And the poker game was f*kkin' intense. It was a $600 pot... and they were playing from before 11pm last night until 1:30pm today... I mean DAMNNNN. Haha. I stayed up til 2am. Then woke up in my bedroom around 5am to the scariest thing ever. I don't know why my mom decided to do that to her in my room of all places. I could still hear everyone outside playing poker and shizz. It was dark, so I don't know if my mom forgot I was sleeping or didn't expect me to be up or what. I heard the belt and I could hear her crying. I almost started crying. I didn't know who to be pissed off at more. My mother for hitting her like that or her for being stupid enough to be throwing a fit like that. I was scared because there was a series of noises. First the smacking of the belt, then her scream, then telling her to shut up. It seems like it only gets worse everytime she throws a fit. I don't know how to handle it. I don't know. Sometimes I get really scared and worried though and last night/this morning was pretty bad... I don't know what to do. I saw the bruises on her legs when we went and ate soup today...

Now I'm sitting in my room working on my English homework and scholarship essays. Way to end a weekend... They're playing it off like nothing happened last night... what else can I do.

Levels.

Here are my levels of responsibility... this was a key point in my mask presentation a while back. It will include past, current, and future levels.

• Age 8 - Little sister born
• Age 9 - PMS begins =P
• Age 10 - Start sports
• Age 12 - Start middle school
• Age 14 - Start high school
• Age 16 - Get license/start driving & probably get a job
• Age 18 - Graduate high school/debut/leave for college... East Coast?
• Age 21 - Become the designated driver for people that take me drinking... haha. I don't plan to drink, but this is when I would start =P
• Age 22 - Obtain Bachelors Degree
• Age 24 - Obtain Masters
• Age 26 - Obtain Ph.D./Graduate and go home
• Age 26/27 - Start working on becoming successful and happy.
• Age 30 - Married? Traveling? Kids?

You can't really determine the levels too much into the future. Things change and things don't always happen the way you want them to, but looking back you can easily see those levels of responsibility. Aging isn't about growing old and wrinkly. It's just about growing and learning and becoming your own person. I see my age/birthday as checkpoints in my life. Everyone has/goes through different levels at different times. This is just my timeline and the general idea for my future. Hopefully it works out for the best, but if not, then I'll just have to make it work somehow. (:

Am I missing anything?

Angels and Airwaves.

Eric Jacobson is my hero for the hour for telling me about these guys. I swear music is amazing in the way that it can just be able to speak the words that are in your heart, mind, body, and soul that you just can't form into words yourself. I just really wanted to say that.

I added the two songs that Eric told me to look up. Listen to them on my playlist. (:

• Secret Crowds

If I had my own world
I'd build you an empire
From here to the far lands
To spread love like violence

Let me heal you, carry you higher
Watch our words spread hope like fire
Secret crowds rise up and gather
Hear your voices sing back louder

• Everythings Magic

And do you ever feel like you're alone?
And do you ever wish you'd be unknown?
I can say that I have..
I can say that I have..
And do you ever feel things here aren't right?
And do you ever feel the time slip by?
And I can say that I have..
And I can say that I have..

So hear this please
And watch as your heart speeds up endlessly
And look for the stars as the sun goes down
Each breath that you take has a thunderous sound
Everything, everything's magic
Just sit back and hold on, but hold on tight
Prepare for the best and the fastest ride
And reach out your hand, and I'll make you mine
Everything, everything's magic

Aspirin.

Or lack there of. xD So last night I was watching Wrong Turn 3 the awful sequel to Wrong Turn 2 which was an even worse sequel to the awesome original Wrong Turn. Haha. I gotta say though, Wrong Turn 3 was not as good as Wrong Turn (one of my favorite movies), but it was hella better than Wrong Turn 2 which was just crap. If you haven't seen any of these movies I suggest you see the first one only. Maybe skip to the 3rd one if you really want to, but only watch the 2nd if you have absolutely nothing else better to do. I mean really. No jokes. =P

Now I was saying... last night while I was watching I had this huge f*&%ing headache and couldn't find any aspirin. I thought I'd feel better in the morning after some sleep, you know? I didn't. Feel better. I went to school anyway because I didn't want to miss class. I went to school and it was crap. Best part of my day though was probably before school, maybe bio, and lunch.

Before school I got a ride with Kelso and I love talking to her. I never get to see her anymore, so it was nice. Bio was fun because I love talking to Eric and Tyler and Matt and Susan and Natalie. They're amazing. Haha. It was super funny how shocked Tyler and Matt were when I told them I have Modern Warfare (still haven't actually played) and my favorite game is Gears of War. They said, "but... you just don't seem like the kind of girl... to play those kind of games." And I'm like seriously? Eric is over on the other side of me laughing. Haha. xD

Then I love lunch because I get to hang out with some cool people. Madds, Danny, Catherine, Natalie, Susan, and the rest of the gang. Plus, today, I got a free chocolate cupcake! Haha. It was super yummy! This guy just goes "Who wants the last cupcake?!" And automatically I shout, "ME!" xDDD Damn, I'm a fatty. Haha, but it was funny. I didn't know the guy and like after I ate it I was thinking... shit, what if they did something to it or there's some kinda weird drugs or whatever in it... and I started laughing. xD Kids, don't follow my example. Never take food from people you don't know. Especially when they're one of the star basketball players.

After 4th period though I went home... I couldn't take it. My head hurt so bad and I swear I was going to puke or something. I'm better now though. Found some medication... which my grandfather had stashed away in his drawer. Hahaha. I'm laughing because... well, yeah. xD

And we just got cable! Like my dad is actually paying for cable after over 20 years of him not paying for the television we've been watching... haha. I mean, uhhhh, yeah. XD Anyway, we gots cable and DVR or whatever. It's awesome. I'm super happy. Although I won't really have time to watch it, it's nice to have. (:

So that was my day. I need to finish homework. Don't really want to. I could complain about my headache some more, but that would get me no where, so time to suck it up and get to work.

Stalkers.

"In the book of life,
the answers aren't in the back."

- Charlie Brown

Wise words. (: There are things in life that aren't as 'easy,' I guess you could say, as other things. Today wasn't one of those easy days for me. I had/am having some internal struggles. I don't know what to do about certain things and feel bad about my actions. I'm doing that thing where I kind of isolate myself again, but I wasn't in the mood for anything today. I was just ready to start a fight with anyone/everyone. I feel awful about my attitude towards my mom and little sister. I'm apologizing on the inside, but I know it means nothing unless I say something. And I would if I didn't already know the outcome, which would make things worse. That's just the way it is. I wish my mom didn't drink last night though. I feel like it would've been better for everyone. I don't know though. Ah. Whatever. I also feel bad about skipping out on hanging out with him, but I needed to get stuff done today. And I feel like I needed to use today to collect myself. I'm sorry.

Now I guess I'm in a better mood. I got a lot of work done and I finished my bucket list... well it's not really finished, but I added 100+ items to it which was a goal. Haha.

You should check it out and make one:

http://theburiedlife.com/profile/745335494/

I also got a lot of planning done to renovate my room. I pretty much got the permission to do whatever I want to it, so it's all good. I just need to find the time to do it. Haha.

And I talked to some of my favorite people which made my day better: Kels, Nikki, &Patrek.

Now I'm going to go and... I don't really know. I'm kind of walking around in limbo again. Oh well... we'll see what happens. Right?

Oh! And I think I have this creepy stalker guy and I'm seriously scared... but I don't know. I might be overreacting. Blah. Ok. Gonna go now, seriously.

:?

My Bucket List.

I don't watch the show The Buried Life, but from what I can tell, it seems pretty awesome.

I made my own list... I've had a list in a drawer which I just pulled out and added more stuff. Take a look if you'd like. The stuff that's on my list aren't in any particular order. I kind of want to do them all equally.

http://theburiedlife.com/profile/745335494/

1. Walk around Seattle giving out socks to the homeless.

10. Spontaneously jump into a swimming pool with all my clothes on.

13. Come up with an original, famous quote that everyone will know.

26. Race someone down an aisle in a cart at Wal-Mart.

35. Spend the night at a grave yard or someplace haunted...

There's some of the stuff I have on my list... I'll probably add more. I kind of want to reach a hundred. I don't know though. I might end up forgetting about this list because I usually do. Haha. Oh well... what's on your list?

Abandonment.

I just got done watching this movie, 2012. I thought it was a great movie despite the poor effects. It got me thinking though about people and how sad I'd be without them. Like as I'm typing this I'm listening to From Where You Are by Lifehouse [added to playlist] and the lyrics are sad.

I'm remembering this horrible nightmare I had. I think my worst fear is being alone/abandoned... and my nightmare was so terrifying that I remember waking up crying so hard... I hope I never have to go through that in reality and I feel terrible for those who do and have lived that.

I love and care about so many people, but I don't think I tell them enough how much I appreciate them. I mean I dedicate blogs to people and stuff, but there's a huge difference when you look into someones eyes and tell them how much you care along with a hug and such. I used to think that it didn't matter how friendships turned out because in the end there won't be anyone around. Then I realized how lonely and awful that feels. How terrible it would feel to be abandoned and alone... but I realized that that would only happen if I acted the way I really thought. I don't know if any of that made sense, but it doesn't have to. It makes sense to me. Kind of.

I hate thinking like this and I don't want to, but I honestly can't help it. It sucks and I'm trying to change, but it's hard. The more I hang out and trust certain people, the more I realize that not everyone is going to abandon you. I don't know when I started to feel and fear abandonment... I know for sure that my mother had something to do with it, but now that I think about it, I don't think she meant to do that. I might have just taken what she said the wrong way. I just need to try to fix it though. Fix me. If that's what you want to call it.

I have my doubts sometimes and I'm saying this now... but if I ever say or do anything that may seem like I don't care or I act like I don't want to be part of your life anymore or the other way around... I'm sorry. It's my defense mechanism. I run as fast as I can in the other direction, but not because I don't care, but because I'm worried that I might care so much to actually let you in and then when I really need you, you won't be there.

That's my fear. Believing in someone that I care about and trusting them to be there... and they're not there. I was afraid I was losing my friends last year, so I actually asked my mom for advice. And she says to me, "It doesn't matter. After high school, once your in college... you'll never see them again, so who cares." I really hope that isn't true. It sucks/hurts to think that might be true. I don't think it's true for most people, but for me it might be.

I have this plan to go as far away from here as possible, but now that I think about it... what if I need help and no one is around? Wouldn't that be my own fault? Don't get me wrong... it's not that I want to leave here because I want to get away from my friends. I want to get out to make something of myself and live on my own.

I'm scared of being alone, but if I keep living like this... it'll be my own fault. I always told myself I don't ever need help from anybody, but that's a lie. I'm just too stupid to ask for it and eventually it'll be too late.

I know none of this makes sense. I don't want to be alone/abandoned, yet I want to go away to college far from home... I don't know if I can completely explain it, but I don't think anyone would really understand. I don't know where I'm going with this post anymore.

I'm sorry.

I Love Your Existence - Goot.

So below are some of the lyrics to this song that I've added to my playlist. They aren't my words, but they might as well be. It's an amazing song and it makes me think of this amazing person. One month ago today he changed my world. Thanks for sticking around for this long. Haha. (: And to anyone who doesn't know Goot... you should look him up.

"We crossed paths for a reason
The planets aligned in that particular season
It's clear to me that we'll eventually be
Inseparable.

I love your existence
and I can't get enough.

So pucker up and embrace the greatness,
you get me high and erase my sadness.
I love your existence,
and I can't get enough."

Digital Design.

Things to blog about:

• Maddie's note (:
• Logo contest
• New x-box&games
• Life
• Monkey's
• Random crap
• Today
• Tomorrow
• That guy friend of mine
• Those lady friends of mine
• Stuff... blah, blah, blah...

I just kind of took up space because digital design is really starting to drag... I kind of want to have a little net ops war with Jacobsen. Haha. She tried controlling my computer the other day and it was really funny/fun. She isn't a very good teacher, but she's a nice lady I guess. I feel kind of bad, but whatever. Haha. Anyway, the first 3 stuff are things I seriously want to blog about. I feel like there's something else or more, but I'm not sure right now. The rest of that stuff is kind of like word vomit, so I don't really know. Ahh... I gotta go. She's at it again with the net ops thing. Hi Ms. Jacobsen! :P

Everything by Michael Buble.

http://inspire2live.blogspot.com/2010/02/people.html

Person #1: You're dirty.

Person #2: Well I'm certainly not clean. ;]

Person #3: That's what she said!

Person #1: Duh!

Person #3: *silent*

Person #2: Wow... *laughter* (:

Haha. I love people. That's a lie. I hate people. I love certain people. JK. I love people. Hate certain people. Love. Hate. Love. Hate. I don't know. It's difficult to explain, so I won't. Haha.

Those special people who make me who I am for the most part (:

• Mom&Dad - Pretty much self explanatory... but I love them. Nothing more to it. (:
• Maddie Sharp - She'd run by my side like a retard with our arms flailing in the air. Crack. ;D
• Nikki Molina - Our phone conversations are epic. Our adventures are even better. Distance couldn't stop this friendship. I don't know what will.
• Kelsey Boisvin - You know the inner workings of my mind and you're still not freaked out. We're entirely different people... you see things differently... but I still don't know what would've happened if I'd never met you.
• Patrek Martin - You're amazing. Nuff' said. Haha. Just kidding (: You're something special. You didn't run away when I thought you would. Thanks for that. Thanks for making my life that much better just by being in it.
• Eric Jacobson - You are such a jerk! (: You know me too well... that's why it's awful when you make jokes... but since I know you so well I can come up with the best comebacks. Hahaha. I think we established this, but paybacks a b*tch. xDDDD
• All my baby cousins - Ahhh... I'd die if I never got to see their little smiles and hear them say crazy things like I'm their favorite cousin xD
• Natalie Shannon
• Susan Nguyen
• Tyler Horn
• Catherine Cheng
• Danny Lunder
• Alannah Hed
• Megan Ingalls
• Brianna Barnes

There are SOOOOO many people I could add to this list, but this is all I've got for now. I'm sorry if you didn't get a little paragraph, but just know you're amazing and made an impact in my life one way or another. Thank you's are in order... haha.

Ok, now another thing I wanted to clear up... the songs on my new playlist do have some sort of meaning to them. Except for a few songs. Those are just there for fun. Haha. Anyway, most of the songs remind me of something else when they start playing. There's one song I wish I had, but cannot find and it sucks :( It's called If I Don't Tell You Now by Ronan Keating. I absolutely love that song, but can't find it on playlist.com. You should look it up because I think it's an amazing song.

"How will you hear,

what's inside my heart?

How will you know then...

If I don't tell you now."

The songs that mean something:

• Everything by Michael Buble
• How Can I Not Love You by Joy Enriquez
• Into Your Arms by The Maine
• I Must Be Dreaming by The Maine
• Thinking Over by Dana Glover
• If You're Not the One by Daniel Bedingfield

Fun Songs:

• Suspicious Character by The Blood Arm ;)
• Place Your Hands by The Reef ;D
• Hey, Soul Sister by Train !!!

Place Your Hands by Reef.

I'm going to start titling my blogs with songs I'm currently listening to. I think that a song can really influence the way you blog like the way it influences the way you feel. That's my little theory. Haha. I know it's a little ridiculous, but I'm really wanting to blog about something and I can't figure out what to say and stuff.

My mom thinks I'm working on my homework. I'm looking at my screen with this intensity that says "I'm busy, leave me alone," and there are random papers scattered on my desk in front of me. With a glance down at these papers every now and then make it look like I'm actually doing something important.... but I'm not. Haha. It's quite amusing I think. (:

Now I don't know what to blog about. There's this feeling in my gut that tells me to clean my room. It's an OCD thing or something, but I can't think because I feel like my room is a huge mess. I do this stupid thing too, like I don't even understand why I do it. In order to clean my room and organize it the way I want I have to destroy it and make an even bigger mess first. It's weird, but it works.

Argh. I think the reason I didn't know what to say in this post was because I actually had a lot to say... I just didn't know how I was going to form the words together to make any bit of sense. Here are the things I want to say... and I'm making this list just in case I forget to mention something:

• MVCC Scholarship
• School/Next years schedule
• Stress, stress, and tests
• Friends/Important people
• Goals/happiness/random shizzz [already done xD]

So I'm getting really freaked out right now. I'm getting stressed out about this semester and next year and stuff. So this semester there are like a bunch of things that I'm dreading and it's making my head wanna explode. There's HSPE, AP biology exam, and the bio ethics project. It's ridiculous how freaked out I am.

To make matters worse, I'm stressing about my classes for next year. Registration for classes start on Thursday. I'm stuck on a bunch of things like whether or not to take running start, APUSH or not, and theatre tech. I was going to do yearbook, but I didn't get in. Well I got put on a waiting list in case a spot opened up. I was just real bummed out when I didn't get in first try. It kind of annoyed me though because it was all the popular type kids that got in, but maybe I'm just being bitter. Blah. I was going to do yearbook instead of theatre tech if I got in, but now I don't know what I'm going to do.

Ms. Lloyd is freaking me out because she keeps telling people that I'm going to take up a career in theatre, but I don't think that's for me. I mean it's fun and I could do it if I wanted to, but I don't want that. I'm not completely sure what I want, but writing and research are a big part of it and I think my dream job is an archivist and working for a big museum some place.

Now on top of big tests/projects, classes, and future careers... I'm worried about the MVCC scholarship, which is something I want so badly. This isn't a college scholarship type of thing. It's a scholarship to play golf at the Meridian Valley Country Club as if I were a member for free. It's a big deal for me. To be a member you'd have to pay like $2000 just to become a member and then $100 every month after that to stay a member. If I get this scholarship I don't have to pay for any of that and get all the benefits for an entire year. It would be so awesome, plus it would really help me improve my game. I really want to make varsity next year and hopefully this will help. I have the grades to get in and all of my recommendation letters are in the process of being written. To qualify I need to shoot an average of 130, but I can shoot like 20 below that easy. I just need to write my essay and autobiography. I just don't want to get excited about this and not get it. I hate that feeling.

I'm just so nervous and stressed out about everything, like ah. Life is scary that way. I guess I just have to persevere.

P.S. I'll write a separate post about the important people some other time. I need to get some stuff done. BTW, I got myself a new playlist... AGAIN. Sorry. Haha.