New Leaf ?

You know the expression , 'turning over a new leaf,' right? I feel like I'm a tree in autumn because there have been multiple times when I thought I turned over a new leaf. How many leaves do you get before you're out?

Just some thoughts to ponder I guess.

It seems that every year I go through this weird kind of bump in the road where I feel less motivated and driven. I'm probably just tired, but I hate this feeling. That's what I get for staying up all night. Haha, I had a good reason though! I was working on my web site for FBLA.

I can't remember when I last posted a serious blog post and I don't really want to look back. I think the only thing really new was that I started to do FBLA. Future Business Leaders of America. During the Regional competition in February I placed 2nd in Graphic Design and 3rd in Computer Applications. Since I was top five for those events I advance onto State next month. Additionally, I've signed up for a web design event where I had to make an employment type of web site for teenagers. It turned out pretty good, but I wish I'd gotten started earlier because I would've gotten sleep last night and there is a lot of things I want to tweak on my site. I can't now though because I had to submit it this morning. Oh well... (:

I've been busy and stressed and other things. Last week I had a scary realization. My math teacher said we'd be registering for classes this week and before that point I thought I was ready. I wanted to graduate and move to New York or Boston and be completely independent. I don't know what happened. As soon as he mentioned class registrations I had a mini-heart attack at the realization that I'm going to be a senior next year. I'm graduating... and in that instant I realized I wasn't ready. Or at least I did feel as ready as I thought I was. And it's not that I don't want to. I'm scared to graduate. Graduating and being independent means leaving my comfort zone. This fear, I also realized, is associated with the reason why I didn't do running start. People kept on and still do ask why I didn't do running start and don't plan to. I always just told them that I didn't know and I just didn't want to. Honestly, I didn't really know. I just knew that I didn't want to do it. I think it was because of the whole comfort zone thing. Subconsciously, I'm trying to hold onto whatever childhood type thing I have left. I wasn't ready to nor did I want to go to college yet. I'm scared for the future and what's to come. I'm terrified, but at the same time I'm excited. Is that possible? I don't know. Maybe I'm just some kind of freak for wanting to stay in High School a little while longer. That's just me.

"All of my life, I've been so comfortable. But I always knew, that there'd come a day. When I'd have to get out, get out..."

- Where Do I Go by Marie Digby

Ok, I'm not sure what else I want to say. I just want some encouraging words to look back on, so I'm probably going to post some random quotes that make me feel good. If you have any please feel free to comment. (:

Frank Allen: [giving speech] The relationship between time and you is always one of master and slave. List making - it is your anchor, your harbor in the storm of life. Start each morning with your wish for the day, and then move right on in into your daily goal list. Remember to keep them in behavorial terms and be specific. Why? Because a specific list is a happy list. And don't forget it's chaos out there. We conquer that by taking control, setting priorities. Life cannot be based on whim. Those who fail to control whim are destined to be controlled by it.

Frank: Ever heard of chaos theory? It's a science, tries to determine underlying patterns in chaotic systems like weather, ocean currents, blood flow sort of things. But it turns out that are few things more chaotic than the beat of a human heart. Its beating up, slowing down. Pretty face, flirty stares. It's always changing on what's happening to ourselves out there. It's an erratic son of a bitch. But underneath all of that bump-da-bump mess, there is in fact a pattern, the truth, and it's love. Most important thing about love is that we choose to give it, and we choose to receive it. Making it the least random act in the entire universe. It transcends blood, it transcends betrayal and all the dirt and makes us human.

Those two quotes are from a movie called Chaos Theory. It came out in 2008 and Frank Allen is played by Ryan Reynolds! Anyway, the first quote is something he says at the beginning of the movie. Then as the movie progresses and he goes through all this crap, he rethinks life and how it works, etc. It's a great movie. I highly recommend watching it. (: