The Truth?

Note to Self: The Goo Goo Dolls on Pandora

We had this essential question in English today and it was talking about people we've liked and Maebori asked us to talk about whom it was we had or have the strongest feelings for and explain why that is in detail and stuff. I started off writing so generally like everyone else, but that one sentence turned into 5 which turned into a half of my page. I think about it and I realize that he is the only person I really feel like me. I've said this about other people, but it's not as true as when I'm with him. This is another post that probably won't ever get published, but I felt like it had to be written.

I've been in 'relationships' and everything has been perfect... but almost too perfect. It was like... I don't know. When I tell people that we've never been in an arguement or whatever they think I'm crazy for thinking that's a wrong thing. But really, I feel like a real relationship should have some disagreements and arguements and fights and that's when you know it's real. When you don't argue or fight and things are just perfect then maybe they're too perfect. And I think the reason I've never had a relationship where I've been in an arguement or whatever with them is because both sides are afraid to say whats on their mind and whatever. But in a relationship you have to be comfortable enough to share you own opnions and disagree on things. The only time I can really remember any of this happening is with him. He's my best friend and I thought I was past this. Haha.

I'm listening to the Goo Goo Dolls and I'm completely happy with my life. I don't want to date anymore or anything until I've got things figured out and I've found my rhythm. And I know it's weird how I'm saying that I love this guy, but don't want to date. Just because I love him doesn't mean we have to date. I think I might love him in a certain way, but I'm not sure how that is. It could be just a really strong friendship or something more. I don't know.

I remember over that summer. And remember a lot about the beginning of this year. This year was the first time we really got to hang out much. I don't know what it was, but everytime I saw him I was just sooooo annoyed and felt like I hated him. I just wanted to pick fights and just gah, I don't even know what came over me. I think it was a kind of denial. I wanted a reason to hate him so much because in reality, I was the bad guy. He's the best kind of guy and I don't know why I always run on them. I run away fromt he best guys and run towards the bad ones. I guess the guilt just kind of turned into a hate for some reason. Now I realize it was just stupid and even though I was kind of awful and we practically yelled at each other for half the year, he still sat by me in science and he's still my best friend. Haha. I think we're both a little crazy, but that's alright. I really hope we stay friends for a while.

I just don't want to hurt him again... I don't want to make him go through that again because if it does happen it will end. That's just how it is. So if that's what love is... then yes. I love him, but I don't think it's in the way people are making it out to be. Maybe it is. I don't know. I don't care because nothing's going to happen.

TG: Awhh... you should ask him out!
LG: Hahaha... nahhh... I wouldn't wanna do that.
TG: Why not?!
LG: Because...
TG: Becauseeee?
LG: Because we're just good friends.
TG: That's not a good reason!
LG: He's my best friend! And I know I'm just too busy for a relationship right now, so if I asked him out now I know it would fail... I just don't want it to be like that...
TG: Awhhh!!! You LOVE him!
LG: What?! That's not what I said!
TG: Hahaha, it's what you meant!
LG: Whatever, you're crazy. (: