Sunday, June 19, 2011

Change + Priorities + Summer Bucket List

I really love lifes and I'm not sure whether this is all a dream or not, but I think I'll just go with it. I mean that's all I can really do. I need to make the most of this life and be brave. Love Life. Be Brave. I'm disappointed in how I ended the year and I mean in the way that I was too afraid to speak up / stand up for myself in class. Instead I let others kind of take the wheel and was too afraid to ask for help when I should've just included my input because I am smarter than I think I am and I shouldn't be afraid of making a fool out of myself. Even if I end up looking stupid, all I can do it move on and do better. My Uncle David is such a wise man... he makes me feel better about myself and helps me understand how I can break out of my shell. I wouldn't be anywhere without him. I've definitely improved since my freshman year, but I really want to change for my senior year and take chances.

I'm going to be more involved in the things that I care about and actually take the lead in certain things. I want to be the kid in class that can confidently raise her hand in class with an answer without fearing it to be wrong. I want to be able to ask a question in class without worrying whether or not it's a stupid question. I want to be able to help other kids in my class or be the kid that others go to for help. I want to be able to help those people in confidence. I want to be the way I was before when I got papers and assignments weeks early. I need to get back on track... and I will. I know I will because I care too much. I have so many goals that I've accomplished and I have so many I've yet to accomplish, but I will get there.

Priorities for Next Year:
  • School
  • AP Exams
  • SAT / ACT
  • Senior Presentation
  • Golf
  • FBLA
  • Theatre
  • Getting a job?
  • Friends
  • Family
  • <3
That list is in absolutely no particular order.

Summer Bucket List: In no particular Order
  • Florida
  • Ice Skating
  • Roller Blading
  • Swimming
  • Bon Fires
  • Camping
  • Zoo
  • Aquarium
  • Silverwood
  • Harry Potter
  • Brandon's Birthday
  • Studying...?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Notes to Self Plans.

In order:
  • Math Quiz
  • Historiography Project Work Day
  • Web Design Online Portfolio
  • Practice French Song / Use YouTube
  • APLaC Mock Trial
  • Ricky's Graduation
  • Historiography Presentation
  • Practice French Song / Use YouTube
  • Jesus Christ Superstar?
Not in order:
  • College Comp w/ Fuller
  • AP Psych w/ Norris
  • Electronics 1-2 w/ Rother
  • Intro to Java and Game Programming w/ Henderson
  • French 3-4 w/ Madame
  • Theatre Tech. w/ Lloyd

Monday, June 13, 2011

Appreciation.

I have a lot in life to appreciate and I've been thinking about this a lot lately, but I'm a very lucky person. I'm happy and everything in my life is better than I could've imagined. The people and all they have to offer are probably what makes life truly worth living.

I've been struggling with self-confidence and the ability to stand up for myself or get the strength to ask for help with anything, but there are certain people in my life that I truly trust and they are my everything even if they can't always tell.

I think I'm starting to gain back my self-esteem and it's a great feeling. I think I have my friends and family to thank for that, but I also have to give myself some credit whether that seems conceited or not.

There are a lot of people that I've come across in my life that are there regularly and there are those that come and go, but when they come back it's as if they've never gone and I know that they're truly my friend for that. Also, someone recently said that they have to make an effort to see their best friend everyday in a complaining kind of tone, but I thought that it was nice because by making the effort really shows how good of friends they are. Making the effort. And even when someone is too busy and it seems like they make very little effort, it doesn't mean they aren't your friend. It just means life is busy and hectic and that's life. It happens and we just have to go with it, but we can't let the hard times get us down. Make the most of life. That seems like the most important lesson to be learned right now.

I just want to let all my friends out there know that I appreciate and truly love every one of you no matter how often I see you... you have made a major impact on my life and I'd be nothing without you.


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Insecurities. Go Away.

So, I think I like this guy a lot, but I don't know what to do. It'll be 3 weeks tomorrow and at first I was in this just ultimate super happy mode where I thought everything was going to be perfect... then I started getting this sinking feeling. I realize I have no idea how to be in a relationship and I'm afraid of losing what feels like the best thing to happen to me when it comes to guys. I feel like he's the perfect guy and I feel like this is too good to be true like I don't deserve someone as amazing as him. I feel like I'm dreaming and I'll wake up one morning and he won't feel the same way anymore. I mean, I really like this boy, but I'm constantly paranoid that I'm going to do something wrong or be too clingy or obsessive or I'll be worrying about that stuff too much so I'll distance myself so that I don't seem too clingy and stuff, but then I'll end up going too far and we're going to just drift. I don't know. That was a mess of confusion, but that's just how I feel.

This seriously feels like a fairy tale and I didn't think it was going to happen, but now that it's happening it feels like there's a catch. I keep thinking of different excuses of why he might have asked me out in the first place instead of him possibly actually liking me. I could make a list of things that I'm afraid of...
  • ...being the girl that he's dating just to say he has a girlfriend.
  • ...being the girl he's using to get over some other girl.
  • ...being the girl he's using to make some other girl jealous.
  • ...being the other girl.
  • ...the other girl.
  • ...falling, but even more of having no one to catch me.
  • ...losing sight of the things that matter.
  • ...losing balance...
There are so many insecurities that I could list. And there isn't any girl in particular, it's just a for instance. I'm just scared is all, but is it normal? I mean he's the first guy that I have approved by my parents and all that jazz. The first guy that seems normal and the start of an actual relationship, but I'm scared to keep going if it's not real or something. I just don't know.

I'm in serious need of relationship advice or something. I just don't know what I'm doing. I mean I've been in "relationships" or whatever you want to call them, but this one actually seems like it could be pretty solid if I could get pass my insecurities that usually ruin things after about a month... It's just like, ugh.

It's not that I get jealous or anything and confront him about it. It's more like get paranoid and scared and act all cool and break up with the person and say that it's for their own good because they wouldn't want to date me or it's not fair to them or whatever, but really I think I'm a selfish bitch sometimes... I hate feeling this way, but I do which makes it even worse. I don't mean to hurt anyone. Never.

I think that if he were to break up with me it would be devastating from my point of view, but at the same time I think it would be worse for him if I broke up with him... He's the perfect guy in my mind and I feel like he's not the kind of guy that would go through that list I made earlier or hurt anyone intentionally. That's just the way he is, a kind honest man, and I'm not just saying this because of how I feel about him. Anyone would say the same.

And let me be clear, this is not a post about me breaking up with him and I haven't had the idea of breaking up with him, but for whatever reason I feel like he'd be the one to break up with me. For the first time I feel kind of powerless over how long this might last. It's just completely unpredictable to me. That scares me. Not knowing is such a terrifying feeling. I like him, but I'm scared.

Is anyone out there... and if so, tell me please, is this normal?

Monday, June 6, 2011

Disney

(Meg)
If there's a prize for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That ancient history,
Been there done that

(Muses)
Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'
He's the Earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can't conceal it
We know how ya feel and
Who you're thinking of

(Meg)
No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no

(Muses)
You swoon, you sigh
why deny it, uh-oh

(Meg)
It's too cliche
I won't say I'm in love

I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out
Oh

(Muses)
You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feeling
Baby, we're not buying
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up
That ya got, got, got it bad

(Meg)
No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no

(Muses)
Give up, but give in
Check the grin you're in love

(Meg)
This scene won't play,
I won't say I'm in love

(Muses)
You're doin flips read our lips
You're in love

(Meg)
(Shoo doo, shoo doo)
You're way off base
I won't say it
(She wont say it)
Get off my case
(Shut Up, shut up)
I won't say it

(Muses)
Girl, don't be proud
It's okay you're in love

(Meg)
Oh
At least out loud,
I won't say I'm in love...

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Good Day...

IHOP: Check.
Stefano Langone: Check.
Jamba Juice: Check.
Theatre: Check.
Soos Creek Trail: Check.
Aced Physics Test: Check.
FBLA Meeting: Check.
Junior Project: Check.
Awesome Family: Check.
Best Friends: Check.
Amazing Boyfriend: Check.

Life's pretty good.